Out With the Old, In With the New

Yesh. That's all I have to say about the previous posts which I have made. My faults and imperfections are like a blaring siren, evident to all who read. It's almost shameful, but it is also interesting to see the progression of my life. I do put a disclaimer; if I said something really stupid, that was a far more immature version of myself.

A lot of things have changed. I am glad to say that I have conquered Calculus, Physics, and Astrophysics. I am even learning Biblical Hebrew. This past semester I made the Dean's list for the first time, so you know that's exciting. My GPA has been on the rise for 3 semesters, increasing by 22%.

One of the greatest lessons I learned was sometimes the best course of action is the take a step back and catch your breath. While I didn't get a full deep breath in my break for science and mathematics (I took a 1 semester break to get my bearings), it was enough to get me what I needed. 

My greatest issue was that I was coming back to the science and math classes with the same baggage every time. My perceptions on how to solve calculus or astrophysics were incorrect, and each time I took the glass my viewpoint became even more skewed. By taking a break and forgetting as much as I could, I came with a fresh outlook and new perspective. 

During my sabbatical I focused on my faith. While I have always been a Christian my knowledge of the Bible was sub-par at best. I knew the theology of the New Covenant and was well versed in Romans, Galatians, Ephesians, and spots of Hebrews, and a handful of classic stories (like Abraham). Other than these books my knowledge was based on the watered down Sunday school versions of the stories. 

In late January and early February I was in one of the darkest chapters of my life. My personal life was in pieces as the girl that I was so greatly in love with seemed to have abandoned me, and I was debating dropping out of college. Both dreams I had for my future were wasting away before my very eyes, I was in agony. I felt as if the 21 years I have lived, and the countless hours put in to school were swiftly adding up to nothing.

During this time I felt as if the Lord began to speak to me through dreams. I had dreams of things to come, and things that were. They weren't in the distant future, nor were they massively revealing to what I was supposed to do with my life (which I still am unsure). They did however, point me in the right direction and helped me make some plans and preparations, which all came to pass. 

I felt a stir in my heart, a calling that was undeniably him. The Bible to this point was boring to me, and I was always afraid of the Old Testament. I was never taught to read it except for the stories mentioned in the "Grace" sermons. It is often cited by Christian opponents to show how evil and wicked God was, to show no creator could exist. I was always fearful that by reading it, I would turn from my faith and become corrupt. I feared that I would despise God, and harden my heart towards him.

The call in my heart was far to strong for me to turn down, and thus I started reading My plan was to read the Old Testament from beginning to end by the arrival of summer (which I definitely did not do, but I tried). My fears of hating the Lord were so greatly misplaced, the more I read the closer to God I became. This is only logical, the bible is the story of man and God and by reading it you are learning about God. It's like if you have a friend, you only get to know them if you spend time with them, the same goes for God. 

While reading the Bible and spending time with the Lord was helpful it wasn't this instant fix. I didn't leave my pit of depression, and there were many nights I shouted and cried out to the Lord in anger, but I kept in pursuit. I realized during this time of sorrow that love is a choice. The emotion of love that we feel is fleeting, it is not absolute. We grow angry, tired, complacent. As soon as the warm fuzzy emotions are gone we decide it's time to pack up camp and leave. Why is the divorce rate so high? Because society thinks love is merely a feeling. The second that a bump in the road is encountered, people abandon ship. Love is making the choice to serve the other person no matter what, it's sacrificing your emotions and feelings to benefit the other person. (Clearly there are times this is not okay, but I'm not talking about that right now). Love is acting selflessly to the one's in your life despite your emotional state. We can choose to love, or we can hing upon the ever fleeting emotion. 

 Despite the anger and the despair of the abandonment of the one I held dear, I pursued the Lord. I chose to love him, and in doing so I can feel his presence far more. I am more tuned to his calling. I can feel peace and joy when I seek him, and no longer feel as if it is a battle to do so.

 In the fall I ended up taking a course about the Old Testament, as well as Biblical Hebrew. Biblical Hebrew was time consuming enough, but I took it at the same time as one of the most difficult astrophysics courses offered. To my surprise I was able to end with excellent grades in both.

Things aren't perfect, I am still getting over the issues of earlier this year, and I still am easily stressed. But I am far better off than I have been since I began my quest of college, and I credit the Lord for my strength and perseverance.


And yes, you can love astrophysics and God.