Sneaky Ears

        Last night I went to a party. Now before your mind blows that statement out of proportion I will set you straight with the ruler that I hold in my left hand. Yes, I'm left handed so obviously from the devil. (Why would people think that, I don't know but it makes me more unique so points to them). So back to the point that I will eventually get to ones my attention span falls back into place. The party was not like the images of the word party that has crawled up your ear and died. No it was civilized, yet extremely fun. I enjoy remembering the fun that I had, unlike almost every other college student with a motive to get a brain of a walrus (you get 500 game score points for that achievement). At this party I played the Game of Thrones board game. The game is similar to risk in the fact that you are to conqueror areas, but it is more like risk on steroids. This is, if steroids are made to not only  make a game strong but to confuse the player the living heck out. In the limited capacity of mind space and attention span I managed to have caught the first few rules, but as they piled up on me like a group of Japanese sumo wrestlers I admit I was staring at the shiny reflection of my coke can. When asked the question "Do you understand" I just nodded my head and smiled, while the simple reality was I had no darn clue as to what in the heck I was doing.
       So not only was this game more complex than my average point a gun and shoot, or put the blocks on the places they fit but they had a terror aspect to it as well. At the start of every round a card would be drawn that could potentially strengthen this group of people that I had no clue about, but they came from the north (where I reigned) and would pillage everyone until you bled from your eyeballs like a deranged cat, or my childhood hamster (a horrifying moment). Yeah, serious stuff. So the happy little risk now turned into the happy little game of chance where you had the possibility to get destroyed by the most terrifying mammoth skull people known to man. Also, my character was Stark, not a rich playbook with a super-powerful suit of course. I was just the character that Boromir (Sean Bean) plays, nbd. To sum it up, my two allies started off next to each other while I started off in the north, which was separated by our enemies. Needless to say, I got taken out back and shot in the face with as many bullets fired in the American Revolutionary War. I didn't die though, I was like batman and had a bullet begone spray on my utility belt. And my game strategy turned from defense, to survival, to I'm not going to let the team betrayer win. And that is how I won the game without winning. I didn't the betrayer one, I took up a deal with my enemies and let them waltz right in and win, so that a traitor would not. I play the loyalty game. Yeah that's right.

*You see it's legit. It was giving me the eyeball.

      Various other things occurred in that night, all civilized of course. Until eventually the sun rose and we went outside to walk a dog. But back track two minutes before that we all tried to make slam dunks. I came to the realization that not only can I not jump, but jumping when your body is that tired makes you want to die. I considered just collapsing on the pavement, but then I was to lazy to do so. So back to the walk. Walking after not sleeping is a party in and of itself. I prefer to see it as, Extreme exercise because every step you take is like you are carrying ten pound weights with a walrus, sea-lion* and wallaby attached to your back running in the opposite direction. I'm pretty sure I sounded like a walrus too, as I attempted to scale the massive hill. A few neighbors had passed and gave us the judgmental look of, oh gosh not one of them... I assume they thought we were all drunk, but we weren't and had they actually used their brains the question would have spiked: would a group of hung over college students walk a dog at 6:10 in the morning when the sun is bright in the sky (Because apparently the sky gets bright at 5 now I was like what the poop)? Exactly it makes no sense, because we were just sleep deprived, which looks alike I know. And me being sleep deprived is like a dog ready to destroy the world in flames.*

*See This is me sleep deprived, it really is my dog. (Merc)

     So back to the hill climbing, or rather EXTREME EXERCISE. I must admit at certain points I may have saw myself as those who have climbed mount Everest, because minus the deathly cold, I just climbed a mountain in the 70 degree morning extremely humid weather. There was also a shiny balloon. It was pretty intense, just like camping. Ba da ch. Eventually we made it to a hill that was so steep I just went up it on all fours. The walrus attached to my back wanted to stop me, but I refused to listen. I felt kind of creepy going up a hill like that, but then again it was that or die. And I survived.
     On my way out (at 6:45ish?), my friend graciously dropped my off at a park, where in my infinite wisdom I carried a bag of sleeping with me. I didn't realize it would look so creepy. The people of the park all seemed to slowly move in a direction opposite to me. In fact one even left. I guess my bag of sleep confused them, resulting in a oh my gosh he's got a body in that bag! Good for you park people, right back at you! Then I sat on a bench for twenty minutes trying to wake up. Then I went home.
      So I got home at some point near 7:30ish. And I decided I wanted to sleep until roughly 12 maybe even 1. So I set my alarms to be ready to wake me them. So now here I sit with only being awake for 45 minutes. My sneaky ears disallowed me to here my alarms, the clever jerk. In fact my one alarm had gone off for no less than an hour straight and my lifeless body refused to get it. So all in all I blame my ears, and that walrus that wanted to take me down. I will kill you walrus, watch your back. But I do think it got revenge on me,  I woke up feeling like I got hit by a bus, but in reality it must have been a walrus. Because in that night of fun, I did do one thing I regretted. I stole the Walruses bucket.

I STOLE ITS BUCKET.

So I wrote all that with the full intention of it being the end of the story, but nooooo the story didn't end there. After waking for 30 minutes and after finally leaving the I can't believe it's forty thousand degrees club a knock at the door confused me, you see yesterday it had been a Police Officer because a car was parked on the street where it wasn't supposed to. Today it was my neighbors who wanted me to catch a snake in their yard, because well I like snakes and things of the sort. So I went outside and ended up grabbing it and catching it without getting bitten. But as those of you that catches snakes know, even if you aren't bitten you still can lose, and lose I did. I got musked on. The nastiest stuff you can imagine. So that was the ending to a day, well not quite. I'm posting now but I'm sure this world can deliver me a dead demented Walrus. But maybe I'm assuming to much? Well see.

And look at that not two minutes later something happened. You see I was watching a mindlessly stupid show, The Simpson because I thought that How I Met Your Mother would be on, but I was wrong, when the battery pack on the remote suddenly burst open. I picked it up in order to replace the batteries, when a liquid came running out all over my hand. Yep Battery Acid. It's gonna be like that today... Unless I'm hallucinating from the Walrus.... Oh wait it just gave me more, 5 minutes after the fact, two friends showed up and I was wearing shorts. CRAP.

Things You Should Not Do

To begin, I find myself behind on the social scale, but I am quickly pulling ahead. This was not always the case. But no matter how high on the social ladder I climb, I still act in rather unintelligent ways.
The Fire That Almost Happened

In my infinitely clever mind I decided to reenact the flaming helmet of Halo. To explain, in the video game Halo you can buy an armor upgrade that makes your helmet appear to be in flames. It was something only the Bungie Staff had for the longest time, and was something very sought after. I decided I wanted to have a living flaming helmet, so I took my Master Chief action figure and placed it in a metal box that I had made in 6th grade. I filled the metal box with water, and to my delight it was water tight. I placed the box and figure on a table in the middle of my living room, next to a chair and above a carpet. Sounds like a good idea so far right? Well I thought so. My next course of action was to obtain the fire that would make the helmet on fire. I knew that if you used rubbing alcohol then the fire would burn only the alcohol not the action figure. Well I attempted that and it worked for a while, until the water in the bottom of the box became overly diluted with alcohol. That's when trouble hit. My wonderful idea ended like this. My last time I decided to light it, the I put the match to the head of the figure. The fire, unlike previous times, followed down the side of the figure and hit the water resulting in a burst of flames. In that instant my brain fried, and I forgot the simple fact that alcohol + water just makes more fire. But I grabbed a glass of water anyways and threw it on the fire, only to have flames shoot out in every direction. They landed on the chair and carpet. Luckily no one was home and no one saw the rather intelligent move I had made. The fire eventually went out on it's own, but not after catching the table on fire. That was the day fire took its revenge upon me for all the times it worked.

 Don't Start a Conversation With A Guess

The days before College would start, I found myself in an advising day class. It was 3 hours long, 3 hours of pure agony as they told us everything we knew. Being a local, it was probably not necessary for me to attend the meeting, but seeing how it was practically mandatory I went anyways. In the meeting they had a Senior from the college who looked very similarly to Amy Pond from Doctor Who. I had to know if that person was Scottish because of my dislike to be wrong, and a bet with a fellow friend. Well it turns out she wasn't which plunged me into the most awkward situation I had endured in a while. So when talking to strangers start with something you can control, otherwise you'll look like an idiot.

Electricity It's Shocking...


I have countless stories of electricity, but I'll just share a few short ones.
1. Being in the mindset that you want to know how things work by looking there parts only goes so far. At one point I was taking apart a camera in order to see if I could convert the lens back into a camera mount. While opening it up, I came across a funny looking black cylinder. It was a bit larger than a battery but seemed to be the same shape as one. Being the inquisitive, yet dull mind of mine I decided to grab this unidentified object. Within the second of my finger contacting it a strong amount of pain surged up my arm. The black battery-looking object was the capacitor that is used for the flash, and boy does that that hurt.
2. This is a short one but is rewarding if you find humor. So the basement of my parents house was being renovated, and was going to be new and improved. A joke in reality, but that's a different story. So the walls had come down, and the wires were all exposed, but wrapped neatly and safely. Well that is to say, all the wires but the light switch, which had no cover on it, and the wires were exposed to the room. On my way down one morning I reached over to flick on the lights so that I could wash my laundry. To my dismay my hand missed the switch and went right into the wires for a full few seconds. My arm did not like the flow of energy as it began to twitch. Needless to say that annoying light switch cover, is your friend.

The Future Ever so Fleeting Part 2

My mind unravels in mysterious ways. I often wonder how other peoples minds work. Do they act as spontaneous, and actively as mine? Or do they think in a whole different way? Is my mind a traffic jam while yours is a river, all flowing in an orderly fashion? To begin. My mind is like a train/subway station, at any given point, including the one during which I type this. Thoughts are racing around all at once, some louder than others. But they create a constant screaming inside my head, as they mix, jumble, and provoke an even larger thought. Though I do not actually hear screaming, it as if somethings are just making noises, and they unravel into more and more complex systems. These thoughts always stream continuously, running around only to multiply. I find myself asking questions to my mind in my head, to provoke an answer, only to bring about the answer and many memories. It is a mess of thoughts, that can never form to one collective thought. Even when I stare blankly into the nothingness my eyes create, the mind is never sleeping. I can not just think about nothing, there always has to be something going on. How does your mind work? sometimes my mind becomes aware, and I realize there is more to the world than what I see. For brief segments of time my brain will in essence detach from itself and my peripheral vision becomes one with my vision, and everything seems to connect. Also when thinking objectively my brain feels a pressure on the mid-left section as if a weight is pressing down upon it, but not only on the brain but bout 2-inches outside of the skull. This allows me to see the world as it is, without a strong bias. Can you do that, and if you can what is it like? Now you know the brain of the host of this page. It is as easy to understand, as choosing 3 different lost episodes, and having it make perfect sense. Or rather, it's like seeing a duck, when you're actually looking at a cow.----------READ THIS ONE-------------------- Speaking of which, let's dive into the most humiliating story of my life. I open with the big bucks for you. Back in (I believe) '07 I had gone on a trip to Florida to visit a relative. While I was there, I of course went to the beach. While I was there swimming off by myself in the semi-deep water, that rose to my neck line I heard splashing behind me. I did not care for it, for I was being left alone. Now take into account, this time of my life I was in my rebellious stage, and I had grown my hair out to reach past my shoulders, worst decision of my life. Not to mention my hair had curls that girls kept saying they were jealous of. This was also the most out of shape I had been in all of my life, before I grew more and shed off a few pounds. (I'm getting better shut up!) So there I was fat, long hair Samuel minding my own business, wondering if my foot would be bitten off by the next up and coming Jaws. Behind me was a group of college students with a football, the catching and throwing was the only action they would probably get all day, and potentially for the rest of their lives. They feebly attempted to pick up girls via, a massively desperate attempt which involved them "throwing" the football to one another, where they would pretend to miss, only to have the ball splash next to a girl, which they would then have a reason to violate any person with their eyes, since their ball was nearby, they would then ask the girl to throw it back to them. Well evidently the sun was getting to their heads as their hormones raged in a pathetic dog like way. Once again, I was sitting there in the water waiting for that shark that I had sworn I saw, when a football comes crashing into into my back. I turned around, angry at the horrible throw wondering who the Tom Brady had been. As I turned they asked me to throw it back to them. Now as we all may know throwing a ball is not easy while crouched, so I stood up only to the shock, and delight of the college students. With my rise out of the water I, being a male, was not wearing any shirt. But the college students, with their brains in overdrive look and shouted with glee, "SHE HAS NO SHIRT ON!" They were visibly shocked, and some seemed to be believing in love at first sight. Low and behold I stood the whole way up and they saw I was wearing swimming trunks, not a bikini. Their pathetic face turned to horror as one shouted "It's not a girl, run." In which case, they scattered towards the beach. My response was simple but easy, I threw the ball back and nailed one in the head, and went back into the water. That was the day a group of college students found love in the place they weren't looking. Though the story is embarrassing to me, I can't imagine the feeling of those students, that for a brief second thought they had hit a jackpot. This goes out to those morons, I'm a dude, nice try though.

The Future Ever so Fleeting Part 1

I have come to the point where I can not ignore the eyes upon my watch.---------- As I find it both amusing in a sick fashion as well as an important insight for future reference by both me and you. Yes you the reader who has found your way into my story. A story that is dictated by perception for as we all know, and as you know best, perception is relative. Just as the frame of reference is relative to the observer and what they are referencing, my story is in my hands and is in my control. As we look back at our history it is controlled mostly by the victor, as time progresses the actualities become fantasies of those on high that would use it for the manipulative purpose to gain and receive power. ----------I will initiate these papers by stating the purpose. It has always been a wonder to what those of great action and of great heroism have thought as they progressed forward in time. So as for those who wish to know who I am (as dictated by me, but isn’t that how it always is for each of us?) I will tell you about my thought process as it progresses into what you know it as. ---------- My first statement I will address is about you. Hello again. I have know that this would end up in your hands. I knew you would want to know who I am, and so this is for you, but it comes at a cost. The heroic stand to save the planet that is still ahead of me, the time of the fall and of the voices seems to be so noble. It makes me seems more than a man, it makes me into a hero, does it not? I do not say that with pride or with arrogance. People need hero’s with the inferiority complex they carry, and they have found one in me. Funny to think anyone could see me as anything more than scum or a lost cause. That is how many see me now. But enough of me for now, and back to the topic. The act I know nothing of, but I feel it in me that time is running out. It is flowing faster than I thought, and I find myself with the feeling of destiny on my back. A weight that is present, but a weight I can bare. I do know how it will end, but how will it all begin? -------- Now to get back to the cost that is now put to you. The knowledge you will gain if you continue will bring me from the status of hero to that of average man. Though I believe that this is the most reasonable and personal favorable way, I must admit people need a hero. So now, with this knowledge if you choose to continue I am passing the burden of choosing on to you. A burden that will burn in your mind as it did with mine. It is a sick choice and an evil one at that, that I am giving you a burden I could not handle, I am sorry for that. -------- Some would ask, why at this point in my life am I devoted to the future where my time runs out? Because I know that despite the fact that the end, will be the end of my time I will be saving everyone. No one will be lost, for it is not of acts of evil that are the base of heroism, it is the acts of loyalty, the acts of devotion to ones whole race where none are lost. Some would also ask, why would I going willingly to the drop of the last sand grains, when at this point of time I am considered nothing or a lost cause? The answer is simple: humans. Humans are a wonderful, creative and blessed race. We are the chosen inheritors. Why would I not put all I possibly could into saving every last one of you? Though I may be persecuted for who I am, I do not lose sight in the fact that all are important. Through my travels through time, and space I have seen it. One life has the potential to shift history, therefore that is proof that each life is important. How do I know about my travels, (only in slight detail)? I do not know, but my time to begin I believe is drawing near. The time I save the planet. The day my time runs out. -------- So now I leave you for now, but it will not be a break for you since my words are already written. I sit here sick tired, and so very lost, and broken. I am in ashes, but I will rise, much like the Phoenix of old. Good Day, I shall speak at around 10pm, the start of a war.

Dead Llamas to Be

Greetings humanity, I have come from the shadows to give you light. But in this metaphor, light is not light. But in the inadequacies of our translation matrix of my brain to yours is quite horrifying, much the same to the level of a whale falling upon your face within five seconds of your sudden leap from bed. At least it was short lived. But then again, it is the same level of horridity (coined term of mine, look it up)that leads us to this one simple fact. But as all stories with no point, and a vomit worthy approach... flashback. It all started back in 2nd grade. I sat there observing my surroundings in deep though of, how stupid can they be? I was watching a group of less than developed fish, jump from the water to catch bugs and they landed on a Peninsula, nearly killing them. Watching the fish scream for breath moved something in me. My eyes. No literally, they moved to look at the stupid fish. It ended up following that childhood annoyance of mine, Peppy and it did a barrel-rolled back into the cold water, where it was later pulled out and killed for food. But the real angering moment was when it was sitting on the bank screaming "help me fox help me!" Now I really didn't hear it say that, and even if I did I wouldn't tell you so get of my back. This brings us to 7th grade. It was a stupid year. You're welcome. RANT: So when everyone rights "your welcome" it is not grammatically correct, but no one ever does jack-squat about that. So which is it? I know I'm right, but society says "your welcome" not you're welcome. I guess I'm a you're welcome hipster, much like my cat. She eats anything, she's a food hipster. And I'm a miss-use of word hipster. A Conclusion of lost hopes and dreams. I just ate a bunch of rice at once, and it trapped an air bubble, and as it travels down my food-pipe it feels like TNT blowing up your face. Ask Two face how he got his scars, he will scar you for life. There once was a piece of dirt. He was among a group of pretty sand. He wished that one day that he could become like them, so that he would not have to be so alone but in reality it was impossible. He knew this deep down, but suppressed it in order to have some glimmer of hope on the long lost horizon. This piece of dirt was with the sand, but was not ever truly one of them. He loved being with them, but it pained him to see that the life he wanted was not the life he could ever had. The piece of dirt one day packed up camp and left, for he could not bear the sorrow of his inadequacies. He soon learned that choice was the worst he had ever made, but it was the only one he knew how to do. Eventually the sand pulled him back into their group, and into their species but it could not fix the gap between them. The piece of dirt sat their as the sand slowly eroded away. The dirt remained unchanged, static, as the world around him took new form. And the piece of dirt, once again felt very alone. Then a bird crapped on it. If that made sense then this is how I see you: Hold onto the moments of your present, they are ever fleeting, but they are worth the memory. Don't be the piece of dirt, it only hurts you in the end. You are what you make yourself to be. Be Great. Unexpected, I think so? Dude, I pet a rabbit today that was in my yard, I think it was love. Then I ate it. Not really. But did I? Don't dig holes in dirt, it ends up being more work than you think, true story bro. Farwell, until the next time, - John Elias, SJH