The Farewell of an Era, of a friend.

To be clear, this will potentially contain spoilers to Doctor Who: Angels Take Manhattan, so be forewarned.

Time always progresses forward, and everything changes. We age, our ideas our interest, our love alters, strengthen or weakens. We die, we fade. As stated in my previous post Flare and Fade I am running to the things that I find beauty in, the things that I have found comfort in, and when so much has gone wrong, it can be hard to find any such thing.

These past two to three years of my life have been by far the most tumultuous. Though things have gone wrong before, there was always a period of break in which I could rest, a time in which I could recover. But not anymore, for the past three years it has been one punch to the gut after another, the universe is taking it's rounds. One issue will end, and another will start, or both will overlap. I have had no peace since I believe around 2009-2010. The worst started in June of 2010 and has been here ever since.

Through this time, through the successive sucker punches from the world, I have found comfort in very few things. How can I? I don't want to become to attached to things, because I know that eventually I won't have them to be of comfort. Plus it is no one job but my own to keep my well being in check. It's been ultimately up to me. Of the few things that have comforted me, I become attached, I guess that's why I know so much about such odd things like Halo and Doctor Who. It's because those things comfort me, and I latch onto them like a leech and suck out as much of their universe as I can. Because that's where I want to be.

Through all this time and all this change, I have lost so many, and gained so few. And I hate to lose anymore, but it is how life works. I now find myself alone in a house, in complete silence. It is nice to a degree, I'm not a social being, but you end up talking your own ear off, and it can be quite annoying. Through all of this time I have connected to this things I watch. I consider the characters of the show as a support for me, despite the fact they are not real. It doesn't matter, they are real to me. Through these worst times, the characters of the show Doctor Who have remained the same, (since season 5 aired on April 17, 2010). It's always been Amy, Rory and the Doctor. I have watched them do so much, and re-watched. This show has inspired me, their work as inspired me.

These three people have such a chemistry on screen, that they seem so real. They seem like actual people, and that gives me hope in this dark time. Now, the trio that has been with me since the beginning has now ended. With Rory and Amy departing. I must admit it is devastating  Not just because I think both Rory and Amy are brilliant actors, and not because I think Karen Gillian is super pretty, but because they made themselves so real on screen, and I had tuned into the lives of the ordinary people that became extraordinary  Because they have inspired. They helped give me hope in times when I most needed it, and now they are gone forever. There will be no more Amy and Rory and the Doctor. The Ponds have put in their last piece, and so I am deeply saddened. There will be more, yes. There will be other companions, and other doctors. But none will have the impact that this trio did. They got me through a divorce, through a time when I lost so many, and times that I was so alone. They are and will always be seared onto my heart, for the parts that were broken from all that has happened was filled by them. They were there since the beginning  but have stepped out before the end, their song is over. But that's how it goes for me, that's life. I must continue on, but I will never forget just how much those three did to get me to where I am now. If only they could ever know.
The weekend had not been over. Today is the last time I shall see a friend for a long time. This friend, is far more than a friend to me, I see him as a brother, someone who I will miss. We've been friends for the longest time, and he was the first friend I made at the church that I attend. He is the reason for the faith I have, and therefore I owe him more than he knows. I wish that all of these people I hold dear do not have to leave, but they are accomplishing their dreams, and I would never stand in the way of that. No I want everyone to complete their purpose, for why they take the path they took. This friend is the kindest person I know and I wish him the best on his journey into the next step.

It's funny, when you're kids, all you want to do is be grown up. You want to be that doctor, that hero, the president, a marine, you want to be all these things and you pretend to be them. You spend so much time imagining yourself as these people that it becomes ingrained in your mind that that is who you will be. In your childlike mind it is achievable. I find myself on course of my dreams, but I look back on that oblivious little boy and think of all the pain he did not know he would face. How was he to know that in order to get to where he pretended to be, he would lose so many, and feel so much loss? He wouldn't. He only felt the joys of being the dream he wished to be. While I, the older one, find myself wishing to be the child again. Because when I pretended to be someone when I was a child, I also had my friend the pretend to be his dream as well. But now they have lead us to different paths, but such is the path of dreams. They takes us where we need to go, even if it is not wanted at that moment. I wish him the best, though he will never read this. He was a brother to me, and will always be. He's one of the greatest people I've even known, and if you're so lucky to know him you're blessed.

Farewell to them. And onward I go into a new Era, the road looks dark, for the previous left me utterly broken. But time will tell where this next one leads.

Flare and Fade

"I'm not running away. This is one corner of one country, in one continent, on one planet that's a corner of a galaxy, that's a corner of a universe. That is forever growing and shrinking and creating and destroying, and never remaining the same for a single millisecond. and there is so much to see. Because it goes so fast. I'm not running away from things. I'm running to them before they flare and fade forever." - The Doctor, The Power of Three

I have found so much that explains so little of myself, I have found things that I deemed fit to describe how life works, but finally a quotes that can define to some part of who I am has come to surface. The complexity of myself can at least be categorized to a degree.

My goal in life is to become an astrophysicist. Though I have started down the path to complete this task, it is a long road filled with many challenges, and is incredibly daunting. Why do I like this topic of astronomy? I could not really answer such a question, it was just something I needed to do. It was something I felt connected to. I never could fully grasp, not describe why I felt such a pull towards it. But now I understand and see one reason for my love for space. It's always changing, and is so mysteriously beautiful. I can go out at night and look up to see the magnificent stars look back down upon me. I want to know how it works so I can better understand the beauty I see. I want to know it's future and it's past, to imagine it all before it is all gone. There is so much to see, and I never will see all of it, but I can look and see so much as it changes and shifts into more and more complex creations.
I want space travel to happen, because I want to see the universe as it is. I want to see it's magnificence,  it's grand size. There is so much out there waiting for us to come and explore. The universe that we look up and see is of the past, the creating and destroying of stars and galaxies have left us something new, something that we must see for ourselves as we travel outwards. and no matter where you go, it will always hold something unexpected. The universe is so vast, and we know so very little of it. I want to know about it, and I want to see it.

A brief moment of beauty before it's gone.

This is why I do photography, not because I enjoy taking pictures, oddly enough I hate it. But I wish to capture that moments that I find before they're gone. I want to hold on to it, as I travel towards my end, knowing that each moment I capture I can still carry with my both in mind and in image. But for the most part, the most beautiful moments are those that occur spontaneously, those brief excellent moments that are ever so fleeting, yet so remarkable that they imprint on your mind and remain with you to your end. Those moments that define your life, and give you a purpose. Those moments are so small, yet have such a profound impact upon our lives. That when I face the darkness of my life, I can look at them and bring joy to a joyless moment. These moments go so fast, and all I want to do is run to them. All I want to do is make them last forever, but time continues, and the moment ends and I have to painfully wait until the next, but in waiting, the moments become all the more meaningful.

Just like my friends, and the feeling of when I left highschool, and and other twist and turns in my life. Those moments can be drawn out over time, but they always end. They always fade.

The ever changing world

"Our lives won't run the same. They can't. One day, soon maybe, you'll stop. I've known for a while...You were the first. The first face this face saw. You're seared onto my hearts...You always will be. I'm running to you...before you fade from me." -DW S07E04

They are excellent and I never wanted to leave them, but time has it's hand all set and ready to go. The quote above characterizes how I feel about the people I encounter. I can be the best if friends with them, and have the greatest of memories, but as times change so do our lives, and we can't always remain as close as planned. Soon those moments that were shared become only memories, but the feeling of bonds are still there. For they are seared onto my heart(s) and are a constant reminder of the faded world that was. Those that you knew and loved become stories to those of now. They become legends in your mind, and pains to your dreams. The people I've met have helped shape me into the person that I have become, and the person I am going to be. They have become a part of me in some way shape or form. They helped lead me to where I am now, and therefore I can not forget them. I know that friendships last for a time, but not typically as long as we would like. So I run towards them as best as I can, for as long as I can. I try to keep them from fading, but eventually they do. I am running to them before they fade from me. Before I must look towards the next moment.

The world is so full of such beautiful moments, and it is always changing into more and more things at each second. There is so much to see, so much so that we barely notice a fraction of it. With all the change at least one moment will be a game changer, a memory seared unto my heart(s). Those are fleeting, always flaring and fading. But they are well worth the pursuit, and worth the wait between those moments. The price is worth the gain. The people, the moments that are forever with us are worth it all, they are worth running to.