The Post to Rule All Posts

I love you Germany, no no I love you.

Today I start my epic saga with this note: the images you may or may not see will disturb you, and if the pictures look to be doing anything.... odd I didn't mean it, it was your sick twisted mind of doom. DOOM.

So today I start with the story of the raccoon. One day I was trail blazing the woods behind my house, clearing away a deer trail so that they, and I could pass more easily through it. 

I am using a Katana to trail-blaze... don't ask.

In reality I was with two other people, but they were farther ahead so It was basically me alone for the time being.
As I began to work my way through the brush and to the end of the woods I could already feel the ticks on me. They come out of nowhere and try to take over your brain via your blood. True story. Anyways they were attempting to control my mind but I found them before they could latch it. I quickly knocked them off and proceeded to stab the ground with my katana in hopes of killing them. As I began to stand my face went directly in a spiders web.
Normally I don't mind so much, but come on it's a spider/ Plus these ones have horns on their butts. Hence the reason why I call them Horn Butt spiders.

It was a viscous well thought out attack that they conducted against me. There is no doubt in my mind that they were out to get me. Meanwhile the sun was going down and I began to exit the woods and enter the park.

Now this park has three toys, a slide, swing-set and green thing each spread out across an area of 100 or so yards... not much of a park.--- ohhh yeah and this was my long hair phase...

Anyways upon exiting I (in this time I needed but did not have glasses) saw what I thought was my neighbors cat. He was a big cat, a Maine coon in fact and this was large with a big tail so I approached it to pet it.

 

As I reached down to pet said kitty it suddenly dawned on me...

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

THIS WAS NO KITTY. No it was in fact, a rabid raccoon dead set on eating my brains out of my head. How do I know this? Because before it started its deadly charge towards me it leaned in close and whispered in my ear: I'm going to eat your filth rotten brains outs.

I replied telling it that my brains were not rotten, though depending on your level of comfort with membranes and blood, it is arguably not filthy, unless that disgusts you then yes...

Then then angry rabid raccoon jumped up on a horse and began to chase me through an array of fires and a minefield while he chanted "brains brains brains brains" While this chase was going on, my fellow two colleagues had already jumped onto the giant green toy for protection.  As I turned around to run to the toy as well, the horse knocked me over, and the raccoon holding my katana to my throat said, "farewell. I require sustenance, in the form of your human brain." As the blade came down to my throat I tapped into my super-powers and teleoported to the green toy. Why not teleport home you ask? Well... some aspects of this story may be slightly exaggerated, but I swear that the rabid raccoon actually rode a horse. 

Pics or it didn't happen? well here sir, is your pics. TAKE THAT BIG FOOT.

Yeah so.. I teleported to the green toy, (definitely didn't run away and jump on it). And we sat there in fear as it began to crawl towards us, when suddenly my colleagues decided to run for it, me being the most out of shape, and slowest of the group quickly fell behind, to the might of the now running cheetah fast raccoon. Plus he had jetpacks going for him, but luckily I made it to safety via teleporting. True story. I have never taken illegal drugs, drugs are bad and you shouldn't take them. But I can't say that with first hand credibility of course, because again I have never taken them.

In reality I have been chased by at least 3 rabid raccoon in my life, take that to the bank.

I did get away. Really I did. And it happened just like this.